


ValiDating

by TaoAndThen



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Borderline Personality Disorder, F/F, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Queer Character, Reader-Insert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-23
Updated: 2017-11-23
Packaged: 2019-02-05 19:30:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12800790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TaoAndThen/pseuds/TaoAndThen
Summary: 1.) ObserveSo now what?2.) Describe"But I don’t believe her.  I feel unimportant."3.) ParticipateShe knew it could take awhile.  She didn’t mind waiting.





	ValiDating

**Author's Note:**

> Content warning- portrayal of borderline personality disorder and its symptoms including but not limited to splitting (the 'I hate you, don't leave me'), depression, self-destructive behavior, mood instability, low-esteem/self-loathing
> 
> I have BPD. This is based on my experiences. This doesn't represent BPD as a whole. A one-shot cannot capture the complexity of BPD, but I've been wanting to write this for a long time. I've seen lots of reader inserts where the reader has some other mental illness, usually anxiety or OCD, but never BPD and I figured I'd give it a shot.
> 
> I'm very lucky to say I have an SO like this. I know not everyone with BPD is, and it's really fucking scary to try getting close to someone if you have it. If you have it, please know you're not alone and there are people who care about you. If you know someone with it, or are close to someone with it (friend, family, SO, etc), I appreciate you having the patience and understanding to try and make your relationship work out. They do too, even if they struggle to show or even accept it.
> 
> Observe, describe, participate is one of the most basic DBT skills and one of the first you learn when you start DBT. It's like a freaking miracle, shit you not. It works in three parts- observe your surroundings (don't think about them, just make note of them as you get grounded), describe what caused your episode using language that's based in fact but doesn't invalidate what you feel (X happened and now I feel Y, because of A I'm worried about B), and participate in whatever is happening around you (immerse yourself in what's happening once you've become stable enough to do so).
> 
> The title is a play on the word 'validate', as validation is very important in DBT exercises, and the word 'dating' because this is about a date gone wrong. Best I could do.
> 
> I CANNOT STRESS ENOUGH THAT SOME MAY FIND THIS TRIGGERING. Proceed with caution.

The third time.  This was the  _ third _ time.  The first time?  An honest mistake in scheduling, it happens to everyone.  The second?  Something came up last minute.  Again, it happens to everyone.  But this time?   _ Car trouble _ ?  Was that really the best excuse she could come up with?  She wasn’t even trying anymore!  She wasn’t putting any effort into hiding her intentions.

Annie was cheating.

She had to be.  ‘I put the wrong day in my phone, I’m sorry.  We can reschedule our date’.  Yeah, sure you did.  What kind of girlfriend doesn’t pay attention to such an important detail?  A cheating one, obviously.

Not that you could blame her.  After all...you aren’t very pretty.  Sure, people would say otherwise, but they didn’t want to hurt your feelings with the ugly truth...that you were ugly.  And stupid, GOD HOW STUPID YOU ARE.  Clearly a fucking moron if it took you this long to realize what was really going on.

‘I pulled a muscle during kickboxing last night.  I need to rest up for my match this weekend.  I’m sorry.’  She probably pulled a muscle while fucking her side chick.  No,  _ you _ were the side chick.  The joke.  Used until she got bored of you.  Looks like that day was today!

‘One of my tires deflated.  I’m going to get it repaired.  I PROMISE we’ll do something today.  Even if it’s only an hour or two.  I want to see you.  I miss you.’

Lies.  All of them. 

But that was fine!  Who cares?  If Annie would rather cheat, probably with Mikasa (who knows what they did in the locker room after kickboxing practice?), you don’t need her!  You don’t need anyone.  Everyone is going to leave at some point anyway.  When you start getting close, getting comfortable, a convenient excuse comes along and they politely see themselves to the door.  Or, if you were lucky enough to notice the warning signs early on, you could easily give them reason to leave.  The cold shoulder, acting a  _ little _ irrationally, things like that were completely justifiable if they were going to break your heart anyway.

Three dates in a row, cancelled.  Of course Annie, that awful bitch who hid her ‘fragile heart of gold’ (gagging noises) behind a cool and distant demeanor, would be too much of a pussy to say it to your face.  She underestimated you though, didn’t think you’d put the pieces together.  And they have the gall to think you’re the stupid one?  God only knows what that makes Annie.

Phone number deleted and blocked.  Pictures torn down from the walls, ripped from frames and albums, purged from digital devices.  Gifts in the garbage, from the teddy bear she won from the crane machine to that set of disposable cups with donut flavored coffee you love so much.  Such a bullshit present anyway...No thought was put into it, clearly.  Everything she left at your place was in a black garbage bag, a bag you were going to put in her driveway and light on fire.

She was going to regret this.  You would make sure of it.

… 

Wait.

…

You really did love that coffee. 

…

OH FUCK.

**1.) Observe**

You stood in your bedroom, surrounded by a hot mess.  Shreds of paper and pictures scattered all over the floor like confetti.  Drawers hanging halfway out of the dresser, clothes from or belonging to Annie in a small pile next to the dressed.  One of the sweetest, pun intended, gifts you had ever received was in your kitchen garbage.

It had been close to two months since your last major episode.  Three months since you had started dialectical behavior therapy.

So now what? 

**2.)  Describe**

Listing objective observations that didn’t invalidate your emotional experience.

OK, deep breath, and...go.

Hands on your head, fingers digging into your hair and tugging at your scalp, you paced back and forth and started the second step.

“Annie and I were supposed to go on a date today.  She cancelled.  She said her tire deflated, she didn’t know why or how, and she needed to replace it.  She also said she was sorry for canceling three times in a row, and that we would spend time together today.”  You stopped pacing, chest trembling.  There they were, those damned tears.  Had you really gone that long without crying?  Impressive.

“But I don’t believe her.  I feel unimportant.  I’m afraid she’s cheating on me, or trying to hurt to me on purpose.  I’m afraid she wants to leave me because she can’t deal with me anymore so I’m destroying all evidence of our relationship and cutting her out of my life to try and protect myself.  I feel lied to, I feel abandoned.  God damn it!”  You kicked at the pile of Annie’s clothes, fists at your side and your breathy heavy.  You then picked them up and threw them across the room with an angry, Amazonian war cry-like yell.

Not again.  Things were going so well.  You had been doing so well!  It was only a matter of time, really...But why  _ now _ ?

Your doorbell rang.

You froze.

You heard the lock click.

...Annie had the spare key...didn’t she?

**3.)  Participate**

“(Y/N)!” Annie called from the living room, kicking off her shoes and closing the door behind herself.  “I got a hold of Reiner and he had a spare tire.  I still don’t know how-...What the…?”  She saw the damn near overflowing garbage bin.  “Shit,” she muttered under her breath and made her way to your bedroom.  Not too fast, the sound of heavy footsteps was a little alarming...like doors slamming.  But not too slow either.  The last thing she wanted to do was give the impression she was hesitating to see you.

Annie was no psychologist.  But she was a responsible girlfriend.  You had told her about your diagnosis early on in the relationship, not wanting it to crop up spontaneously and cause you to do something crazy (like right now) that drove her away _with good reason_.  She heard of movies with piss-poor representations of it, as you made apparent when you burst out laughing at her glowing praise of _Girl,_ _Interrupted_.  The day you told her, she had taken it upon herself to research.  She found forums made by and dedicated to people in relationships with someone diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.  She read up on the basics, symptoms and diagnostic criteria.  And she was very disgusted by all the ‘if your girlfriend has BPD, RUN’ and ‘people with BPD are all crazy and violent, avoid them before they ruin your life’ comments and articles she found while familiarizing herself.  She wrote a little list for herself of your triggers and actively worked to memorize it.

You were so lucky...and now look at what you did.  Idiot.

Annie found you sitting on the floor at the foot of your bed, knees pulled up to your chest as you sobbed into your folded arms.  She approached slowly, ignoring the mess on the floor.  Was she a little annoyed?  Oh yeah, of course she was.  This wasn’t easy.  It wasn’t fun.  Sometimes it was exhausting, for both of you.  But what you were feeling and experiencing was a much bigger priority to her at that moment.  You were doing well, she knew it, and she was proud of you.  Was one slip up, even if it were...rather dramatic, enough to make her second guess the relationship?  No.  No way in hell.

She sat near you, close enough to be a comforting and familiar presence without being an overwhelming one, but far enough to give you space as you tried your  _ fucking hardest _ to steady your breathing and STOP FUCKING CRYING ALREADY.  She knew it could take awhile.  She didn’t mind waiting.

As you sobbed she dug around in her purse for something she made a few months ago, not long after you told her your dirty little secret.  She waited for a non-verbal cue from you, and you gave it in the form of lifting your head slowly and wiping your cheeks and eyes with the back of your hand now that you had FINALLY stopped crying.

“Did you do any DBT?” she asked quietly.  She never really knew what to say when you started calming down, but you never really knew what you needed/wanted to hear.  It was a shot in the dark every time.  You didn’t expect her to be perfect.  After all, she wasn’t your therapist.

“This isn’t my first glorious meltdown,” you snapped, then smacked your forehead.  “Shit, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to-...I just feel so pissed off right now.  I’m...I’m so…”

“Did you already do ‘describe’?” 

You nodded, still refusing to face her.

“Do you wanna tell me?” she asked softly.  She didn’t walk on eggshells with you, fearing your ‘monstrous temper’ or anything like that, but she knew when not to push.

“You’re gonna hate me,” you mumbled.

“You don’t know that.”

“Yeah, I do,” you insisted as you made a sweeping motion towards the mess on the floor.  “Look at crap!  What the fuck is wrong with me?”  You pressed your palms to your temples.

Annie moved closer until she was sitting next to you.  “I’m not gonna lecture you.  But I do need to point out that you’re only thinking with ‘emotional mind’ right now, and not ‘logical mind’ too.  You gotta bring them together.”

“Yeah, yeah, mindfulness.”  You crossed your arms over your chest and huffed in frustration.  She wasn’t being patronizing or condescending, but it did feel like it sometimes.   _ Of course _ you needed to work on mindfulness!

“It’s because of the cancellations, isn’t it?” she guessed.  She was about 90% certain she was correct but it was never safe to assume.  The most seemingly insignificant things could cause an episode.  Once you flipped your shit at your mom when she came home late from work but didn’t call you to let you know.  She came home with an apology a la Chinese takeout, and was greeted by a fridge relieved of casserole she made for your new neighbors.  You didn’t like casserole, but you had to punish her somehow.

“Yeah,” you replied with a slow nod.  “I...feel like you’re starting to ignore me because you don’t wanna be with me anymore.  And you keep canceling because you’re cheating on me, but don’t have the balls to dump me.  I feel abandoned.”  You hated that word.  How many times had you said it now?  You used it when explaining BPD (it causes extreme and irrational fear of abandonment and neglect).  You often cited it when working on ‘describe’.

The wrong thing to say in response to these statements- How could you say that?  I love you!  I would never cheat on you!  Why would you think such a thing?  Don’t you trust me?

The right thing to say in response to these statements-...good fucking question.

“I’m sorry my canceling made you feel that way.”

“You shouldn’t have to apologize though!” you exclaimed.  “Because a deflated tire shouldn’t make someone go nuts and throw away stuff and rip up pictures and plan to light the ‘perpetrator’s’ things on fire and...Damn it…”

“No, it shouldn’t.”  She put a hand on your shoulder.  “But it did.  That happens sometimes.  I know you don’t decide to have a breakdown because you like it or want to be destructive.  I know it hurts you to do it and to see what you did.  And I feel sorry, even if it wasn’t my intention.”  She forced a smile.  “Looks like I need to do a little mindfulness myself, huh?”

You tried not to smile but...it felt so good to smile again.  It felt good to feel Annie’s hand on your shoulder, to feel her next to you.  To hear her voice.  Her shampoo made her hair smell like honey.  Engaging your senses helped ground you further in reality.

“Don’t go stealing my thunder, that’s my thing,” you joked before letting out a heavy sigh.  “I know you aren’t ignoring or abandoning me.  I know you don’t hate me.  I know you’re not cheating on me.  All of these thoughts were irrational, and I acted very recklessly.”  Mindfulness achievement unlocked.  “I’m sorry Annie.”

Annie lightly kissed your forehead.  “I accept your apology.  Here.”  She held out the flash drive she pulled from her purse.  “I made this, just in case you destroyed our pictures because you had an episode.”

“What is it?”

“Backup.  Every picture we’ve taken together, even the ones on my phone, are on there.”

That was unexpected.  And new.  Holy shit, she really had thought this out.

“That bag is my stuff I’m guessing?”  She pointed to the garbage bag full of her belongings.

“Yeah.”

“What all was in the garbage?”

“Everything you gave me,” you admitted with extreme embarrassment.  “Including the bear.  And the donut coffee.”

“I see.”  Annie slowly rose and extended a hand to you, pulling you to your feet.

“I’m sorry Annie.”

“I know you are, I believe you.  Please don’t dwell on it.  I’m not gonna say ‘don’t worry, it’s okay’, because that’s a load of crap and we both know it.  But I will say this.  Call your therapist and tell him what happened.  Then get started on cleaning this place up.  While you do that I’ll head to  _ our _ favorite café and get  _ both _ of us some donut flavored coffee.  And after everything is cleaned up we’ll go downtown and get those pictures printed.  After that...we won’t be able to catch the movie now, so rental?  I still haven’t seen  _ I Can’t Think Straight _ .”

You couldn’t help but laugh.  God, you two were so gay.


End file.
